Tonight I cried for no real reason. I got Anela’s 2nd grade picture and she’s growing up so fast. I miss her. I miss Ange. I hate growing old. I hate that I’m alone. I hate that I find connections with people and they really don’t care enough to make that connection stronger. I hate that my folks are growing old and my mom’s losing her sight. I hate that we’re still in a war. I hate both parties to an extent and even Ron Paul.

There is hope in everything I mentioned above, I know that. And I’ve been focusing on the positive in all of those things for a long time now. For some reason, all the negative things hit me hard tonight, though. I don’t know why. Stress? Sure. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Same old, same old. I know I get like that, I find something–a pattern of behavior usually– that makes me feel good, gives me some sort of familiarity and comfort and I stick with it for awhile. Some people even give me crap about it (girlfriends mostly) but it never lasts. I always want out of it and a change at some point.

And tonight I want out. I do enjoy and appreciate everyone and everything in my life, I do. I just feel this strong desire to move on. Part of it is this strong desire to find someone to share my life with, to have new experiences with.

Most of my friends are married. I only know a couple that aren’t but even they are practically married. I know over the past decade I’ve been closed off and scared shitless to open up and really commit myself to someone. But I’m ready. Well, no I’m not. I know there will be growing pains but I’ve got to try.

I want to find that deep connection with someone, though, first. I’ve recently… *locked, personal*